Day -3: New Mantra => One more good day = One less bad day.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a highly rational person.  Learning how things work, understanding processes, problem solving; these are my coping mechanisms.  But there’s a small part of me (inside all of us perhaps) that still believes – or is afraid not to believe – in jinxes, bad luck, superstition, and all that jazz.  The part of me that waits for the other shoe to drop.  I’ll give you an example.  One day, on my way home from work about seven months ago, I stepped off the subway and saw the sunset straight ahead.  In that moment (and I remember it clearly), I felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world.  I was enjoying my work and planning a huge event for the women’s group about issues immensely important to me and my female colleagues.  Better yet, I got to return home every night to my beautiful baby boy and darling husband who I love with all my heart.  But in the midst of that thought, before I even had time to enjoy it, I gulped and feared when the other shoe would drop.  And in April, only a couple weeks later, my beautiful baby boy was rushed to the hospital, and so began our journey.  I have thought back to that moment, where I thought I had it all, many many times since then.  Did I jinx myself by being happy and believing us to have it all?

Last night, my father said something to me that changed my entire perspective.  Idan has been feeling very well compared to your average chemo patient.  He has been energetic and happy, drawing with crayons for the first time, decorating his crib with stickers (really, I kid you not), and giggling like a maniac when we act silly with him.  And last night, I felt that fear again – when is the other shoe going to drop?  But, as though reading my mind, my father said to me, “I am so glad Idan has been through four days of chemo, and is still feeling great.  Every day he feels good is one day less that he has to suffer from all this.”  And suddenly it all clicked.  Every day he feels well is a blessing, no matter what tomorrow brings.  

And of course, last night Idan did have a terrible night, inconsolably crying, and barely getting any sleep.  He received his first dose of morphine to help with pain.  But I for one am feeling thankful that it took this long, and glad that no matter what tomorrow brings, Idan had at least four less days of feeling bad.